


Forget Me Not

by NowItsDecaf



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Coping, Diary/Journal, Dissociation, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Memory Loss, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-09 08:17:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14712470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NowItsDecaf/pseuds/NowItsDecaf
Summary: The diary of a dissociative abuse survivor detailing what they can remember of their encounters with a triangular chaos god.





	1. Processing Takes Time

**Author's Note:**

> He was my memory, and he was more than just "faulty."

_I don't know when it happened._

_I don't know where it happened._

_I don't know how it happened._

_I don't know why it happened._

 

All I know is that it **did** happen, and my life has been weird from then onward.

...Or maybe my life was weird from the very beginning, and it was only then that I opened my eyes to it all.

 

I didn't know what to believe then, and I still don't know what to believe now. How can someone ever come to terms with something like that? Realizing they're a pawn in a game of interdimensional chess being played between a chaotic, fickle god with three vertices and the very fate of humanity? 

_Could I even be considered important enough in his plans to be called a pawn?_

I feel like everything that happened to me was for his own sick amusement. There was nothing else to gain.

 

It was pretty nice at first. At least, I think so. We got along well enough. I would forget things, and he would remind me. In return, I would buy him silly straws and odd things I found at the dollar store that caught his eye. I could never bring myself to question his love for silly straws; I loved them, too, so I never felt the need to ask.

 

It was sort of an unspoken deal, I guess. I'm not sure how we both came to understand it without words, but we did.

...Or maybe I just forgot we ever spoke about it. I don't really know. If I did, he never told me, and that would have been against the rules of the "deal."

 

However, looking back on all the things that I _can_ remember, I don't think he would have cared if he had broken the rules.

  **What are rules to the All-Seeing Eye?**


	2. Begging For A Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Survivor details their feelings about life and living with dissociation.
> 
> CAUTION: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation in this chapter.

_"I want to die."_  


_"A world where I can't remember anything is a world I don't want to live in."_   
  


_"My life is full of nothing but fog on a day to day basis. I can't remember where I've been, and I don't know where I'm going. I'm walking through a field of thick snow, but I'm not leaving any footprints to lead me home."_

 

     All of these thoughts and more cycled through my mind day after day. Bill heard them. I know he did. He would always comment on how "funny" it was that someone like me, "someone who could live their life blissfully unaware of everything wrong in the world thanks to an inability to remember," would continuously beg for death. I feel like that was his way of calling me ungrateful.   
  
  


     And maybe I was, in a way. I was given the opportunity to forget all the trauma and hardship I endured during my childhood, and instead of being happy that I wouldn't have to deal with horrific memories, there I was...   
  


Begging for the right to remember. Begging for whoever was listening to give me back the reasons for my screams.  
  
  


     I've pondered whether Bill understood why it was so important for me to remember, but I could never glean an answer. During the period of our deal, I don't think I actually cared for the question to be answered. It was just a passing curiosity back then. After all, whether he understood or not meant nothing as long as he did his job well.  
  


And he did, for a time.


End file.
